Crazy Days...Inside My Mind

This tortured head. This empty bed. My anguished heart languishing in all its folly. With fear and dread I push ahead. Hurting you is my greatest regret. Lessons learned. Here I burn. If I never have you again I’ll die.

Met with Corinna tonight for a few hours. One of the few real friends I have. Talked for a while and finally figured out what’s been sticking in my craw lately. I feel better. Much better. Clearer on what I need to do. At some point I had lost my way. Gave up all of my power. But now that I’m clear on this, I can start doing what I need to do and take it back. Thank god for having her in my life. 

Some days I like to think that someday you’ll find this and finally realize how much I’ve loved you; how badly you treated me, and how many time I’ve cried over you. I don’t know what is going on inside your head. All I see is how much you hate me, yet constantly keep me around. I know I’m not perfect and what really makes you think that there is any girl out there who is really better than me in terms of perfection. Nobody’s perfect and you’ve said it yourself, all girls are crazy. But where are you really gonna find someone willing to stick around through the serious bullshit like I have? I could be wrong, but I really have the impression that you’ve never really ever had anyone that’s not your family stick around in your life for very long. You always tell me that you don’t have any “friends.” Have you ever stopped to think that maybe it’s because you don’t let anyone get too close and you’re ALWAYS looking for the faults in people. Almost like you’re looking for an excuse for them to disappoint you just so you can cry “fuck people! I was right! Everyone sucks!” 

Yea, I may be 27 years old, nobody regardless of age, ever really has it ALL figured out.  You say I’m so well put together. I guess to a point, that is true. But at the same time, I’m late blooming on a lot of interpersonal things. Considering the fact that my dad was never there to show me what a real mean is supposed to be like and the fact that I never had any friends or ever real relationships until I was much, much older, is is any wonder I don’t always know how to treat people?? I do the best that I can always. And you KNOW this. You see how hard I try. You see how much it tears me up. You say I don’t deserve you. And I whole heartedly agree. But at the same time I think we need each other. Things are not always bad. There is a lot of positivity in life. And in the times we spend together. I just don’t know at what point your illusion of me having my life “so together” got shattered. I can tell you that my life has never been together. And it probably never will until many years down the road. But I try. And that is really anything anyone can do.  

I’m pretty sure you don’t care. Or at least that’s what you say. You’re thinking, “blah blah blah, excuses, she’s full of shit…” 

Has it ever crossed your mind that sometimes you mumble when you speak. So if I do something that’s contrary to what you thought we’d be doing it’s usually cause you mumbled and I didn’t hear you correctly. As much as you apologise for not being able to read my mind what the fuck gives you the idea that I can read yours any better. WE ARE NOT PSYCHIC!!! I can’t read your mind any better than you can read mine. And yet I seem to be the only one willing to make the effort to make sure you heard me correctly. 

Please tell me if I’m wrong on this. Or better yet, please tell me everything I’m wrong about. I want to know what I’m doing wrong so I can work on being better. 

Why am I so invisible to you? The rare occasions that my phone has been off and you act like I am NEVER there for you. You act like I don’t even exist at all. Why am I so invisible to you? You KNOW for a FACT that I would do anything for you day or night without question or hesitation and yet you act like you don’t have a friend in the world. 

I suppose at this point, it’s just as much my fault for sticking around too. But what can I say? I’m a fool. And I’m in love. I’m a woman. And I’m a hopeless romantic. I’m a person who’s been in love with the same person for almost 10 years still foolishly hoping that one day he’ll finally see. I’m that person, whom for all their strengths and amazing characteristics, can still so easily be brought down by you. Simply for being true to my feelings and trying to be true to you. 

So what do I do? You tell me. I don’t know anymore. Nor do I particularly care. I guess I’ll just go one living, a soulless empty shell. Cold and grayed. Derelict from a lifetime of neglect. Simply existing til I die.

I love you.  

#love #depressed #frustrated #hopeless #foolish #whydoyouloveeveryoneelseexceptme

Everyday it’s so hard to talk to you before you call me first. I remember when you remembered. But now you just don’t seem to care. Not always.

Always torn between reaching out to you and giving you your space. I just want to hold you. I don’t like it when you’re like this but I’m with you to the end.

For some reason today, I remembered a boy named Enzo. He was some guy I used to chat with online when I was a freshman in high school. He was Italian and currently lived in Croatia, lived in London for some time and had an interest in fine art. I stayed up late almost every night talking to him. Time seemed to go on forever. Sitting in the darkness in my parent’s quiet house, at 14/15 years old, I thought “this was so exciting.” Talking to someone from another country who was into all the same things I was. Who was seemingly as intelligent as I was. I’ll admit I had a bit of a crush. 

Looking back on then, I realize that I have no way of knowing if anything that person told me about them self was true. If they  really were this fine art loving, highly intellectual bad boy with a set of virtues. But either way, that was the person I enjoyed. It’s funny. Before I started talking to him, it had never really crossed my mind that young guys could be into going to museums and fine art. It makes complete sense that a young guy would, but it was just one of those things I never really thought about. 

But anyway…. I always thought it was super cool, the fact that he had the same name as my favorite Ferarri. And to this day, that’s still my favorite name. Not the name I would name a child, but none the less my favorite. As suddenly as we had started talking, just as suddenly he disappeared. At the time I wasn’t really sad about it although I did miss talking to him. 

Such a random thing that I should think of him.

This had been a trying week for me. I know it’s only tuesday. But this week started on thursday for me. Even though it didn’t feel like it I’m slowly getting better. It helps that for the first time in my life I actually have a support system to help me get through it and be a better well rounded individual. I’m thankful and hopeful

I dream of he who stills my heart.

In drugged and silent rage. 

This love I keep

Which makes me weep.

My Boone and yet my bane.

The heaviest hearts live in the bravest chests.

The kindest souls endure the most hate.

The quietest people often have the loudest things to say.

Always Listen.

These faded eyes,

This tired mind.

The heaviest hearts often live within the bravest chests. The kindest souls often endure the most hate. The quietest people often have the loudest things to say.